About a year ago I wrote an entry called "The Gift of a Father" (http://foginmythroat.blogspot.com/2012/01/gift-of-father.html). I revisited that today to remind myself that I still want to be a father...maybe.
I know that in order for my son to become a man he has to tear down the image of his father. I get that. I did it too. I was a youthful rebel once upon a time and when I think back on the things I did, I feel sad. I was self destructive and hurt others, especially my father. I don't wish that for my son. I never had the opportunity to show my father that I became a man because he died before it happened. His death was one of many experiences that paved the road to manhood. I would have rather walked hand and hand down that road with my father to make him proud, to make things right, to hold him one last time. I need to make things right with my son.
Dear Max,
Its been said that a man does not truly become a man until his father dies. Well son, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that way. You can become a man with me still around, alive and kicking. You and I have similarities (both of us are extremely handsome and smart) but we are not the same. You are not going to end up being like me, so you can sigh in relief. I don't need the competition and if that were the case I hope you are the better man. First of all your name is Max, mine is Steve. Second, I'm already a man and you will become one. Of course your mom would argue the fact that I'm a man when I laugh at fart noises, but I can assure you I am (There is another saying which states a man is not a man unless he's a boy at heart ). Anyway, in addition to being a man, I'm a father.
I'm your father and you are my son. We are not peers nor friends, yet our relationship runs deeper than any other you will ever know. We can be friendly and enjoy each others company. We can be playful with one another, yet we are not equals and I can imagine that's hard to hear. We are only equal in the sense of human rights. We both deserve to be respected , heard and have a place in this world.
As your father I will give you the space you need to become your own man and as my son you will take out the garbage. I will respect your privacy and you will clean up after yourself. I will not yell at you and you will not yell at me. I will not physically harm you and you will not physically harm me. I will not break your things and you will not break mine. I am responsible for your healthcare, shelter, food, clothing and you will be responsible for your actions. I will provide you with privileges that can be earned and taken away as I see fit and you can test me to find out if I'm full of shit. I will take responsibility for my poor choice of humor and you can roll your eyes. I will provide you with learning opportunities in the form of chores that will help you be self sufficient and prepare you for the day when you eventually move out and are on your own ( you have about 4 years, so make good use of your opportunities. I'm not kidding). In the mean time I will make myself available to listen to how you feel and have discussions and you can share with me. I like it when you share with me. I am unable to read your mind and guess how you feel and it's crazy to expect me to. I will welcome you into my arms if you want a hug and I need not ask why. I will not shame you when you make a mistake and you will not shame yourself. I will not pretend to be something I'm not and you will have self respect. I will not put myself upon a pedestal and you will not tear me down.
I am only a man, a man not unfamiliar to the one you will become. A man that feels, bleeds, breathes and dies. A man in pursuit of happiness, a man I will be proud to have as my friend, my equal.
I Love You,
Dad
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